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Rebecca Brennan-MFT-8308-Dr. Kraus-11/17/24

      A couple’s sex life is the language of how their relationship is going (Thorngren, 1999). Intimacy is about looking for appreciation from someone who has a low level of differentiation (Thorngren, 1999). By the couple having intimacy, it allows a relief from the anxiety they feel from a low level of differentiation (Thorngren, 1999).  Both partners Jamal and Ebony seem to have a low level of differentiation. Jamal shows this by seeking approval from Ebony through sex to relieve his high stress, he is desperate to calm his anxieties with Ebony by suggesting she take a pill so she could be more intimate with him (Thorngren, 1999).  He is thinking less about himself and more about the relationship because of his desperate need for connection. The couples’ language is disengaged. Ebony, in contrast, is withholding sex to try to get her power back (Regas, 2019). She has an acute reactivity to the situation by shutting down (Regas, 1999). People who are differentiated are flexible with change (Regas, 1999). The reptilian brain is very reactive, as opposed to the cerebral cortex which can reason (Regas, 1999). People who are differentiated have the ability to calm themselves down quickly when there is abundant stress (Regas, 1999). The answer to the question is, yes, absolutely the couple can be helped and does not need to settle for a poor sex life. By bringing up problems in the marriage, it creates improvement in connection (Hardy, 2018). The crucible theory is to bring up the difficulties in the marriage, like a problem with sexual connection, can bring affirmative results to the couple (Hardy, 2018). The couple becomes more motivated to work around their gridlocked issue (Hardy, 2018). The therapist uses “collaborative confrontation” as a means to generate advancement in their relationship (Hardy, 2018). Ultimately, this allows the couple to address each other and have a new level of consideration for their problems (Hardy, 2018). 

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The ability for the couple to be able to handle adversity is directly correlated with how differentiated the couple is (Sauerherber, 2014). A couple who is differentiated can keep their emotions in check, separate from their family of origin, while still creating a close connection with their partner and creating autonomy (Sauerherber, 2014). The couple must define first who they are, then who they are as a couple (Sauerherber, 2014).   “Mindful differentiation has six components 1) connection 2) non-anxious presence 3) non-reactivity 4) emotional triangles 5) change back messages 6) tolerating discomfort for growth” (Regas, 2019. P75). To be differentiated, it requires the person to be mature enough to be able to look within themselves (Regas, 2019). They can do this by creating healthy boundaries and have a guide to be able to check themselves (Regas, 2019).   

Running head-Vignette 4 References Hardy, N. R. & Fisher, A.R. (2018). Attachment versus differentiation: The contemporary couples therapy debate. Family Process, 57, 557-571. Regas, S. (2019). Infidelity, self-differentiation, and intimacy: The mindful differentiation model of couples therapy. In P.J. Pitta & C.C. Datchi (Eds.), Integrative couple and family therapies: Treatment models for complex clinical issues. 43-56. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association., J.D. et al. (2014). Counseling Muslim couples from a Bowen Family Systems perspective. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 22(2), 231-239. Thorngren, J.M. & Christensen, T.M. (1999). An interview with David Schnarch.  The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 7(2), 187-194.   

Vulnerability and the Role it Plays in Couples

Rebecca Brennan-National University-MFT-830—Dr. Kraus-10/13/2024

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      Marriage is about an emotional bond (Johnson, 2006). It is about an emotional connection, which others refer to it as “love” (Johnson, 2006).  The therapy process starts with how couples connect with emotion (Johnson, 2006). Statistically, people who are in relationships tend to have less anxiety, fewer illnesses, are less depressed, and have overall better physical health than people who are not in relationships (Johnson, 2006). When people are isolated from others, it is physically worse for them than if they smoked cigarettes (Johnson, 2006). In other words, connection is a huge part of the human condition both mentally and physically (Johnson, 2006).  Starting from birth, connection is a vital part of development (Johnson, 2006). When young children reached out to their parents for help and were hurt in the process, or worse were rejected, the child was taught a lesson (Johnson, 2006). Past experiences told them that it was not safe to reach out for help (Johnson, 2006). Later when that person decided to get married they tended to struggle to reach out for help and did not feel it was safe to do so (Johnson, 2006). Accessing empathy is scary for the couple and many people may be reluctant to feel safe enough to do so given their past experiences (Johnson, 2006).   In attachment theory, John Bowlby discusses from infancy, children do not appreciate the rejection of their mother (Johnson, 2006). When the children did not get the response from their mother, they became so angry that they forced a response, thinking that some response was better than none (Johnson, 2006).  If their needs continued to go unmet, they withdrew and believed their mother or other people did not care about them and became depressed (Johnson, 2006). People want to know if someone is there for them and if they actually matter

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(Johnson, 2006). How a relationship maintains itself is really how the couple responds to one another’s emotional needs (Johnson, 2006). The therapist is recreating an attachment bond with the couple they have never had, including with their own parents (Johnson, 2006). It is created by the couple to not only be seen, but heard, and understood by one another (Johnson, 2006).  In addition to attachment, the couple has a tremendous amount of shame surrounding their connection (Johnson, 2006). When the couple starts to pull away from each other, the shame they feel may bring on the feeling of I am not enough for my partner (Johnson, 2006). This develops a negative cycle that many couples stay stuck in (Johnson, 2006). Shame is about disconnection from others (Brown, 2010). Most people do not discuss shame because they are unsure where it comes from (Brown, 2010). People in general will avoid discussing shame because it is such a difficult topic (Brown, 2010). Of the few who were actually able to discuss shame, they had a sense of feeling worthy (Brown, 2010). The characteristics of someone who had the ability to connect had “courage, compassion, connection, as a result of authenticity” (Brown, 2010). People who felt they were worth it felt their vulnerability was something that allowed them to be alluring (Brown, 2010). Most are unable to deal with their vulnerabilities and instead numb them through substances, food, gambling or other distractions (Brown, 2010). The problem is when you numb feelings, you also numb joy or gratitude (Brown, 2010). What makes people feel better is to blame others rather than own their own part in not being able to be vulnerable (Brown, 2010). The hardest thing to do is to love another human being without any guarantee that things will work out, especially if our mothers could not do the same (Brown, 2010).  

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The couple can start this journey first by working with the therapist and building an alliance for both people in the relationship with the therapist by telling their story (Johnson, 2020). Then the alliance needs to be built with the couple (Johnson, 2020). The therapist then creates validation for both parties by developing empathy and understanding (Johnson, 2020). This creates a culture of feeling worthy and caring (Johnson, 2020). It allows the partner to feelseen, heard, and understood by the other partner in that they are not alone in their journey and will not be criticized or judged for how they feel (Johnson, 2020).   The therapist must get to know how culturally every person feels about vulnerability and connection, the therapist is not the expert in the room (Johnson, 2020). Even though attachment styles seem to be universal women tend to be more accepting of emotions than men do (Johnson, 2020). The couple can explain how culturally they feel about vulnerability, worthiness, and how emotions were dealt with in their family of origin (Johnson, 2020). If worthiness, connection, and emotions were not existent or the person was told they can not have certain emotions, this could be the reason that the couple is in a negative- feedback cycle (Johnson, 2020).  

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      When practicing EFCT, emotionally focused couples therapy, the couple can look at each other to not only hear their feelings, but see them (Johnson, 2020). The therapist will create a safe place for the couple to divulge their real feelings for each other maybe for the first time ever in their lives and the other spouse can receive that emotion to create a safe place for their partner (Johnson, 2020). The listening partner needs to validate their partner so that they feel heard, understood and seen (Johnson, 2020). In EFCT, the therapist will “1) recognize the problem 2) recognize the negative pattern the couple uses to cope 3) recognizing the emotions surrounding the problem 4) reframe the problem” (Johnson, 2006).  The sequence of events usually cause anger in the one of the partners (Johnson, 2006). This is not the primary emotion as the root is generally fear, fear of losing their partner (Johnson, 2006). The fear of losing brings on shame regarding the threat of losing connection (Johnson, 2006). The other partner shuts down from the freeze response because they do not see their partner’s anger as them trying to hold on to them, but rather them having contempt (Johnson, 2006). It is important to note that the formula will help couples who are willing to go through the journey and trust the process that they too will have a connection like they have never been able to have.

References: Brown, B. (2010). The Power of Vulnerability. Ted Talk. Johnson, S. (2006). Are you there for me?: Understanding the foundations of couple conflict  Psychotherapy Networker, 30(5). Johnson, S. (2020). The practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy; Creating Connection.  (3rd Ed). New York, NY. Routledge.